


5 times Buck’s trauma hurts him and 1 time he actually gets help

by uwukathie



Series: Evan Buckley’s stories [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buck has been through a lot, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The therapist - Freeform, give my boy a break, i say as I write a story about him being hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-30 05:31:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21422980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uwukathie/pseuds/uwukathie
Summary: Buck doesn’t like talking about what he’s been through. He doesn’t like discussing the way that he has nightmares of ladder trucks or rushing water. He doesn’t like talking about the fact he never wants to go to the beach again. He doesn’t like talking about how the way Eddie makes him feel makes him terrified.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Evan Buckley’s stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544404
Comments: 25
Kudos: 561





	1. “I’m moving out!”

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings!! Please check the tags. Stay safe everyone

“I want to join the fire department.”

Buck stands in front of the couch. Muted TV behind him casting a pale glow against his back. The silence is deafening as his mother and stepfather stare at him. 

Buck watches in apprehension as his stepfather, Nick, stands up slowly.

“Fire department... Evan. That does not sound safe.” He says. Buck resists the urge to tell Nick that being around him isn’t safe either.

“I would be trained. They’ll teach me how to be safe.” Buck answers. His stepfather stares at him in a way that makes Buck want to shrink in on himself.

“You know we can’t pay for that training. We can barely afford the bills!” His mother tells him. 

“I can. I’ve saved up.” He answers. 

“Saved up? Evan! You know we need the money you make! That’s how rent works given you’re still living here!”

Buck’s hands shake as his father starts to raise his voice. “If I’m not living here I won’t need to pay rent.”

“Excuse me?” Nick shouts. Buck, all 6’3 and 24 years old of him, tries not to flinch away when Nick steps closer.

“Evan. We need you here, you know we need your help!”

Buck gestures around the room. Filled to the brim with expensive decorations and nicknacks. The TV behind him is one of the most expensive models. “No you don’t! You and Nick make enough!”

Nick’s fist meets his face. And Buck falls back onto the floor. Landing seated on the carpet. Nick stalks up to him but before he can reach him Buck has stood off and run to his room.

“Where do you think you’re go-“ Buck hears, before he slams the door and locks it.

Buck takes one last look at his door, before he grabs his two filled suitcases and throws them out the window. He slings a backpack over his back, filled with all the money he’s managed to save up in the last 6 years. And jumps out the window after it. 

He hears his father burst through the door as he runs through the yard, headed straight for the bus stop. The wheels of one of his suitcases keeps getting caught in the grass, but he pushes on. A firefighter would be able to do this, right? So should he.

Buck ignores the strain on his body. Sure he works out wherever he can, and he’s in shape from working. But he’s not used to anything like this.

When he reaches the bus stop, a few blocks over, he thanks every entity he can think of for not seeing his stepfather’s car. 

-

Buck finally is loaded onto the bus. His suitcase safely in the storage compartment underneath. He rests his head against the cool window. Watching the trees and houses fly by. The window feels good against his bruise.

He picks up his phone, there’s one missed call from his mother, but nothing else. He hurries to delete the tracking app his father had put on his phone.

He thinks for a moment, before deciding to text Maddie. When he opens his phone the last message from her is over 6 months old. A simple “Happy Easter Evan! Sorry I couldn’t see you this year!” 

He frowns at that. He hasn’t spoken to her in even longer. They’d kept in touch while she was in college, but then she met her husband, Doug, and she moved on. No longer having time for her little brother.

He remembers her wedding very well. He had been 17 years old, and it was his first time wearing a proper suit. She had looked so gorgeous, so happy. He was jealous. While she was off starting a new life, Buck was trapped at home with a stepfather who didn’t hesitate to hurt him.

Buck ignored all that as he sends her a simple message. “I’m moving out!”

-

“Last stop!” The bus driver shouts. Buck pops up, he sees that there are a few people still on the bus, all gathering their things as they prepare to get off. Buck puts on his backpack. Checking his phone one last time, but Maddie still hasn’t messaged him back.

The air of LA is surprisingly chilly, and Buck shivers as he unloads his suitcases.

Buck looks around himself. There’s a motel not far from him, and he figures it’s a good place to spend his first couple of nights.

-

Buck flops stomach first into the bed. He cringes when his bruised cheek hits the sheets.

He thinks of his mother, and his stepfather. Thinks of the way they told him he needed them, and they needed him. That they could never survive without eachother.

He wonders if maybe they were right. If maybe he was making a mistake. If he was only going to last a few days here, in LA, and then would have to go crawling back to them.

His breath starts to come out in pants, mind racing with all the scenarios. His parents finding him. Him running out of money and needing to go back. Them not welcoming him back after he left.

His chest aches more with each thought, he can almost hear his heart pounding. He puts a hand on his chest. And wonders if the poor owner of this motel is going to have to find him after he had a heart attack in this room.

He doesn’t want to die. Especially not in a nasty motel room.

He crawls up the bed so he can reach the phone, lying on his side he picks it up and dials 911.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“I think. I think I’m dying.” Buck pants out. 

“Did you say you think you’re dying? Sir what happened?”

Buck tries to think. He really doesn’t know what is happening. “I can’t breathe.” He gasps “I might be having a heart attack or something.”

The operator continues to talk but Buck can barely make out what she’s saying.

“Sir! Sir! I need you to breathe with me!” Her voice cuts through the fog in his mind, and he tries to follow her exaggerated breathing.

Eventually, after a couple of moments of breathing with her, Buck feels the pressure in his chest lessen. His heartbeat slowing.

“Sir, do you feel calmer now?”

“Yes, I do.” Buck answers, completely confused as to what just happened.”

“I think you may have had a panic attack. Sir do you need an ambulance to check on you?”

Buck’s face flushes, “Oh. No that’s okay, I think I’m okay.” He tells her. He scrubs a hand over his face and says “I’m so sorry to bother you.”

“It’s okay sir, it’s very common. I’d suggest getting some rest and researching breathing exercises.”

Buck nods, even though she can’t see him. “Thank you.” The lady says a quick goodbye and hangs up.

Buck lays down in the bed, still in his clothes from the day before but too tired to change. He can’t figure out how the lady knew it was a panic attack, but he’s grateful she did.

As he nods off, Buck imagines helping people the way she just helped him. He can’t wait to start training.


	2. “I feel better.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Buck truly loses someone he’s trying to save is hard enough. His therapist takes advantage of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewatched s1e2 for this chapter and I realized I’d completely ignored that Buck wanted to be a Navy Seal. But I don’t see it fitting into this story, sorry guys.  
I’ll also be changing canon up a bit for this one, Buck and the therapist’s reactions will be a little different from how they were in the show.
> 
> Warning!!! This chapter heavily discusses Buck being taken advantage of by his therapist. It isn’t graphic but I wanted to put the warnings just in case.

Buck still can’t get the man’s face out of his head. He can’t stop thinking of his hand, imagining if he had just reached up and grabbed on.

But he hadn’t. Instead Buck had watched him plummet to the ground. Landing in the grass and going completely still. He’s sure that the view of him falling was going to be burned into his brain.

His thoughts are interrupted when the woman welcomes him into her office. As he sits down he knows he can remember her face from somewhere.

-

She is on top of him, in his lap. he’s mostly still. The image of the man is still burned into his mind. It’s all he can think about even with this distraction.

He knows he isn’t enjoying this. He’s reacting, he knows it feels good. But his head keeps telling him something is wrong. 

He doesn’t push her off.

-

She’s stood up suddenly. Buttoning her shirt back into place and fixing her hair. Buck stays sitting on the couch. Watching with clouded eyes as she makes herself presentable again.

“That was so unprofessional of me!” She says. Her voice sounds panicked but something in Buck’s brain tells him it sounds fake.

“You can’t tell anyone this happened, and you need to delete that friend request.” She commands. Buck nods. Still feeling glued to his seat. He slowly begins to button his shirt.

“I could lose my job. I could lose my license!” She says, putting her face in his hands. She looks back at Buck, who’s finally stood up. “I’m serious. Don’t tell anyone. It would ruin my life. You can’t ruin my life like that.”

Buck hears what she doesn’t say.

‘You can’t ruin my life like you ruined his. And ruined his family’s.’

“It’s fine. You were.. good. I feel better, I don’t think I need to come back.” He tells her. He wants to calm her down.

She nods “I think that’s for the best.”

-

Buck showers as soon as he gets home. Scrubbing his skin until it’s red. It doesn’t make any sense that he feels so dirty, he’d showered before his appointment. But nonetheless Buck feels as if he needs to be cleaned.

-

At the beginning of his next shift Bobby asks “How was the appointment?”

Buck smiles tightly. “It was fine. I feel better now.” He tells Bobby. Hoping it’s what he wants to hear. Bobby nods, seemingly satisfied.

“I’m glad to hear that, Buck.”


	3. “I was wrong!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick had always dissaproved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for internalized homophobia and child abuse!

Buck loads his duffel bag into the back of his truck. He still remembers the day he bought it, it’d been a few weeks of working at the 118, and he was quickly getting tired of riding the bus to and from work every day. Or an Uber if he was feeling especially frivolous. The thing was old, slightly beat up. But it worked and he could afford it.

Despite the truck being old Buck saw it as his baby. He washed it by hand, with a hose and sponge, whenever he got the chance. If he was lucky Bobby would even let him wash it down at the station.

He smiles at the memories. Climbing into the front seat he plugs his phone in, waiting for his music to kick in. He laughs brightly when “Whatta man” starts playing through the speakers. Buck chuckles as he sings along on his drive over.

-

As Buck enters the station he’s still humming the song, it had wormed it’s way into his brain and now he’s sure it’ll be stuck there all day.

-

The first time Buck sees Eddie the song had slowly faded out of his mind. But watching the new man pull on his shirt, muscles on full display for a moment, the song pops back.

‘Whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man!’ Buck’s brain sings.

Buck feels his face burn, he feels as if the people around him can read his thoughts. As if Bobby is going to see exactly they way Buck’s eyes trail over Eddie’s skin. 

“Who’s the new guy?”

-

As soon as the doors of the ambulance close, Buck knows he’s screwed.

The inside of the vehicle is dim, even as Eddie turns on a lamp to help them see what they’re doing. It casts shadows on Eddie’s face that clearly defines his facial structure. And Buck isn’t sure when he started paying attention to Eddie’s facial structure. But he has to force the thoughts out of his mind so he can actually do his job. 

Taking care of the man with a literal bomb in his leg.

The man on the bed is groggy. Buck would be too, if his leg went through that kind of pain, he thinks.

-

“I didn’t like him at first. But by the end of this shift I don’t mind him so much.” Buck tells Maddie that evening. The two are relaxing on his couch, sharing a bottle of wine and watching some comedy on Netflix.

She smiles back. “Yeah?” 

Buck stares at her, trying to read her expression to figure out what she was trying to imply.

“What? Why are you making that face?” He blurts.

Maddie rolls her eyes. “Come on, Buck. You’re telling me that with this whole story you told me about diffusing a bomb in cramped quarters, you aren’t crushing on this guy?”

Buck’s warm mood instantly dissolves. His face dropping. “It’s not like that, Maddie. I swear to God.”

She frowns, placing a warm hand on his arm, but when he flinches away she pulls back. “Buck? I was just teasing.”

Buck lifts his head to glare at her. “Well that’s a disgusting thing to imply about me.”

Maddie’s eyebrows knit together. Watching her brother begin to get angry. “Disgusting? Buck what are you talking about? You’re the one that came out-“

“I didn’t!” Buck cries out, standing up abruptly. Maddie flinches at the sudden movement. “I was wrong! Okay!”

Maddie nods placatingly. She wants to press on, wants to insist Buck explains why, despite telling her when he was only 12 that he thought he liked boys, he was so against it now. But she can’t bear to possibly start an argument.

“Okay, Ev. I’m sorry.” She says. She stands up slowly too, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

Buck shakes her off quickly, not wanting her to feel the way his whole body is almost vibrating in anxiety.

“I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” Buck tells her quickly. Rushing away to his bedroom. She watches him go in confusion, before retreating to the guest room.

-

“You don’t find love like that. You make it.”

Buck feels like those words are going to be tattooed in his thoughts forever. 

The man had been wise, that was obvious to Buck. He truly knew what love was, he didn’t see it as a game. As Buck had in the past, in his ‘Buck 1.0’ days. 

Those men’s love was something permanent.

Buck has never seen anything like it. He had Fantasized, sure. About getting married to a man, living together and caring for each other. Being each other’s world. But he’d never seen it in real life. Barely even on television.

Buck remembers one night. He’d been 14 years old. Two years after he told Maddie he thought he liked boys. But she had been gone for two years and there was no one for him to go to any more.

He’d found a show on TV, he’s long since forgotten the name of the show, but he remembers the name of the characters very well.

Dylan and Marco.

He’d been alone in his room, it was past one in the morning but it was a Friday. He watched the pair on screen. Watched them talk like any other couple on the show, before the two met for a kiss.

Which just so happened to be the moment his father walked in.

He remembers the yelling. The feeling of a blow to the face. He remembers his fathers breath against his face as he leaned to close to Evan to ask if he was a queer.-

“You okay, Buck?” Eddie asks, interrupting Buck’s thoughts. Buck is surprised to feel that his eyes have watered.

He nods quickly, pretending to adjust his headset to distract from the emotions he can’t keep off of his face.

Once he’s settled himself some he tunes back into the conversation going on in the truck.

Eddie is telling a story about his son, Bobby occasionally chirping in from the front seat. Eddie is distracted so Buck takes his chance to actually take in how Eddie looks.

He imagines living a life, like those two men had lived, with Eddie. He could see it, he can also see Eddie’s son in it. He can imagine the three of them living life as a family. A family very different from Buck’s. Because Eddie loves Christopher, Eddie dotes on him any chance he can get. I’m a way Buck’s mother never had.

Buck realizes, sitting in the fire truck and staring at Eddie. That he loves Christopher too. In a way Nick had never loved Evan.

And, Buck thinks, watching as the corner of Eddie’s eyes crinkle while he smiles, Buck thinks he may love Eddie.


	4. “I’m not going to ask for help.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck will never forget the way the truck trapped him.

The 118 is always a bustling place. Even when there are no calls people are always around. Bobby, in the kitchen, cooking them a family meal. Chimney and Hen, joking around, or playing a video game together. Usually Buck and Eddie would be with them.

Today, instead, the whole squad is taking every minute of spare time they have. With all the bomb calls they had been in and out of the station. The past 30 minutes of quiet was the most time they’d had all day.

Most of the team was in the bunks taking a nap. But after the previous call Buck and Eddie had dropped onto the couch, one at each end. And not moved since.

Eddie had already dozed off, feet propped up on the coffee table and head leaned back onto the couch cushion. His mouth is open in his sleep and Buck can hear faint snoring.

Buck ignores the way his heart feels warm when he looks at Eddie. He ignores the way his mind conjures up images of Buck seeing that every morning.

He makes himself think of Alli, she was gorgeous, and she cared about him deeply.

He cares about her too. But when he thinks of her he can’t see a future the way he did with Eddie.

Eddie’s peaceful nap is interrupted by the alarm blaring. The two are up instantly, already running down the stairs to meet up with the rest of the team.

-

Buck can barely comprehend what’s going on around him.

There’s screaming, a lot of screaming. Buck opens his eyes, his vision is blurry, going in and out of focus. But he can make out a young man standing over him, watching him.

Buck squeezes his eyes shut when he starts to feel the pressure against his leg. Keeping him down. The pain travels up his legs to his torso, and makes it hard to breathe.

All he can do is hold onto hope that his team will get him out of this.

-

Laying on his couch, watching a rerun of some baking show on the food network, Buck finds his mind wandering.

Buck was thankful that his team got him out from under that truck.

Keyword being: Was.

He tries his best to stay hopeful. Goes through every medical treatment the doctors can think of that would get him back to work. But he still feels the days slipping past him.

The 118 kept working. Their visits fizzling out as time went on, and Buck struggles to get himself out of the apartment and see them.

He remembers Alli. Remembers the day she had told him they were over. He had called Eddie as soon as she left the apartment, trying his best not to cry over the line.

Eddie was there within 20 minutes.

Now, Buck’s not sure if he could even bring himself to ask one of them to come over.

-

“They’re all moving on, Maddie.” He says. 

It had been almost a week since he’d seen anyone other than her. Sure, he got texts. Bobby would ask if Buck wanted to come to the station for dinner. Or if Buck wanted him to bring leftovers. 

Buck always turned him down.

“Have you been trying to talk to them? You’ve been pretty reclusive lately.” Maddie asks, she gently rubs his arm.

He frowns “How am I supposed to not be reclusive, Maddie. It’s so hard with this ridiculous cast to even get out of the apartment!”

“Buck, you know that any of us will come and bring you there-“ Maddie tries, but Buck cuts her off before she can finish.

“I’m not going to ask for help. I’ll get to a point where I can do it by myself eventually.”

She frowns. “Okay, well, I have to get to work. But I’ll come see you soon.”

He avoids eye contact as he nods.

“I love you, Buck. Get some rest.”  
-

It’s a few hours later, after Maddie has already left, when Buck is finally trying to get some rest, that he realizes maybe he can’t do this all on his own.

He’s reaching for his medication, on the coffee table. All his weight leaning forward, when he tips off the edge of the couch and lands beside it.

Then, he doesn’t feel the rug on his floor anymore. The couch beside him isn’t soft, but instead feels like cold metal. 

His breath catches as his leg hits the ground, but he can barely move with the cast being so heavy.

He tries to breathe, but that same feeling from when he was being crushed comes back. The pain travels up his legs and into his rib cage, and it feels like it’s squeezing his lungs.

“Help!” He cries, but no one is there to hear him.

He places a hand against his chest, feeling it frantically rise and fall. His heartbeat thudding underneath his fingers like a drum.

He tries to remember where he is, but all he can feel is pressure against his ankle. His eyes are so out of focus he can barely make out a light shining against the ground. He guesses that it must be from flames around him.

Eventually, his eyes clear up enough to recognize that the light on the ground is not, in fact, from flames, but instead being cast by his TV. 

He tangles his fingers in the fibers of the rug, nearly pulling them out as he tightens his grip until his fingertips turn white.

He tries to remember everything he’d learned about panic attacks since becoming a firefighter, he breathes in for a few seconds, but can’t make himself hold it for long enough.

It takes him a while to get his breathing back under control. Even though the room around him had faded back into the apartment, he fears he’ll see the face of that teenager if he looks too hard into any corner.

-

Eventually Buck gets himself settled back into his spot on the couch. His leg propped up in the way the doctor had instructed him to keep it. He finds himself shouting for his Alexa (a gift from Maddie that he didn’t expect to need this much) to turn on all the lights. Eliminating any possibility of seeing someone in a shadowy corner.

Buck considers calling Maddie, but she’s on shift. Then he considers calling Eddie, but realizes that his team is on shift as well.

He goes lax into the couch, realizing everyone he loves is busy. Most of them together, while Buck is stuck. Alone.

He nods off eventually, getting used to the bright lights all around him.


	5. “I’ll protect you, buddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I lost almost this whole chapter the first time I wrote it, and I had to rewrite it. But I think it turned out a little better. Hope you enjoy.

Buck can tell his words are being drowned out by the waves, but he still tries his hardest to comfort Christopher as he tries to get him somewhere dry.

He holds a hand on the back of Christopher’s head, keeping it against him and protecting his face from the rushing water. Christopher clings onto him tightly, fingers tangled into Buck’s shirt.

Eventually Buck gets the two on top of a nearby fire truck. The two lay out, catching their breath.

Christopher scoots over until he’s against Buck’s side, he buries his face in Buck’s neck, and Buck turns his nose into Christopher’s hair.

Christopher cries softly, so Buck continues to try and reassure him. Telling him he’s safe.

“I’ll protect you, buddy.”

-

Buck had never learned much about tsunamis. With always living inland he’d never had to worry about them. And even in training it wasn’t covered very heavily.

But Buck curses himself for not knowing more when he realizes the water starts receding.

“It has to go back!” One of the people on the truck shouted. Buck watches as a man falls back into the water. The people try to grab him but he’s out of reach within seconds.

Then Buck hears the screaming. Ear piercing shouts for help coming from the other direction. Buck looks up and sees there are more people, trying their best to swim with the current and get to the fire truck. 

Buck climbs to the front of the truck, reaching his arms down to try and grab on to the people. Then he hears another shout behind him and a splash.

Buck turns his head, and realizes Christopher is no longer sitting on the truck.

-

“He was with a group headed toward the cupcakery.”

Buck nods along to the man, listening intently. The band of Christopher’s glasses is around his neck, and it almost feels like it’s burning him. Like it’s a physical feeling telling him that the boy isn’t where he’s supposed to be, with Buck.

-

Every step towards the cupcake bakery is more and more painful. As time goes on and Buck’s heartbeat slows down, he starts to feel more and more tired. But he forces himself to keep going. If Christopher is there then he can’t leave him by himself.

Buck ignores how his limp quickly gets worse, his bad leg dragging more than walking.

-

As soon as Buck realizes Christopher isn’t at the bakery all his energy is sapped out of him.

His legs go limp under him, thoughts clouding. Someone starts to treat the cuts all over him.

He barely blinks.

-

“How am I supposed to tell my best friend I lost his son?” Buck cries into the phone.

Maddie continues to talk, and Buck tries his best to listen with his mind racing.

He hides behind a tent. He knows Eddie is on the other side, no more than a few yards away.

“You have to tell him, Buck.”

-

“I don’t know how to say it. He.. he just vanished.”

Eddie turns Christopher’s glasses over in his hands, his eyes glassy and unfocused. Buck’s heart feels like it’s cracking when he sees the expression on Eddie’s face.

Eddie’s eyes focus on something behind Buck. “Christopher?” He mutters.

“Eddie, I-“ Buck starts, but Eddie runs past him.

Buck spins around, just in time to see Eddie take Christopher out of a woman’s arms. Buck can’t hear what they’re saying but the woman says something that makes Eddie stare back at Buck.

Buck blinks away his tears as quickly as he can, a stunned smile making its way to his face.

His breath comes out in pants, and his legs begin to feel weak.

“Buck? What happened to you?” Chimney’s voice says. But Buck can’t take his eyes off of Eddie and Christopher.

“Are you two okay?” Bobby asks. Buck isn’t sure when his whole team got there. But they all surround him.

“Yeah. We’re okay.” He says, he tries to step forward but his leg crumples underneath him.

“Hang in there Buck!” Hen says as they sit him down, he clings to her arm like a child.

-

“There’s no one I trust with my son more than you.”

Buck’s eyes water at Eddie’s words. Eddie’s hand on his arm is grounding. 

Eddie steps away, Buck listens silently as he tells his son goodbye, giving him a big warm hug.

As Eddie leaves he pauses in the doorway. “Thank you. For everything.”

Eddie closes the door behind him, and Buck takes a deep, grounding breath, before going to Christopher.

The boy has already switched the channel to one showing Paw Patrol. And Buck isn’t surprised that the boy would want to watch baby animals be first responders.

Buck slings an arm over his shoulder. Asking about the characters.

Buck grins as the boy starts to passionately explain what the puppies’ mission is for the episode.

-

Christopher is mostly quiet while he eats his pizza, and Buck shoves his slice into his mouth happily.

“Do you love my Dad?” Christopher asks casually. Buck chokes on his pizza slice.

Christopher laughs while Buck coughs. 

“What? Uh yeah buddy, he’s a good friend of mine.” Buck answers, ignoring the way Christopher’s question makes his stomach fill with butterflies.

“Yeah, but do you Love him?” Christopher repeats, emphasizing the word ‘love’.

Buck is saved from answering when there’s a knock at the door.

“There he is!” Buck chirps, shoving the last of his pizza in his mouth and opening the door. Christopher cheers from his spot at the table.

Eddie greets him, chuckling when Buck smiles back through a mouthful of pizza.

“Chew with your mouth closed.” Eddie teases. Buck just laughs. Eddie looks around the room, spotting Christopher standing up from his chair.

“There’s my boy!” Eddie says, jogging up to Christipher so he can hug him.

“Go get your things!” Eddie instructs. Christopher obediently starts gathering his stuff back into his backpack. 

Eddie expertly avoids all the legos on the floor as he walks around the table. Sitting across from Buck.

“How was work?” Buck asks. 

Eddie chuckles. “A crazy lady got her hand stuck in a chain link fence, turns out she was trying to break in. Athena had a field day with that one.”

Buck is laughing along when Christopher marches up to his side.

You never answered my question!” Christopher says. Buck feels his face heat up when he looks at Eddie and sees him watching curiously.

Christopher leans in close to Buck’s ear. “I won’t tell him, don’t worry.” He whispers loudly, Buck is sure that Eddie heard.

Buck looks between the two, before nodding slowly.

“Yeah buddy, I think I do.”

Christopher nods knowingly. “That’s what I thought.”

“Are you two keeping secrets from me now?” Eddie asks. Christopher laughs brightly.

“You’ll find out soon enough!” Christopher says.

Buck isn’t able to put a word in edgewise as Eddie grabs Christopher’s backpack.

“Well, I can’t wait.” Eddie says. 

-

Buck smiles contently. It’s not often that it rains in LA, but for once the city is having a rainy day. He relaxes into his couch as it patters against his window.

There wasn’t much he missed from living with his parents. But the sound of rain beating against the window, distant thunder crackling, was one he’d always loved.

There’s a quiet knock on the door.

Buck opens it wide, and is immediately greeted with the sound of a crying child.

“Calm down buddy!” Eddie says, his hand is on Christopher’s shoulder. But Buck feels his whole field of vision narrow into looking at Chris.

“Christopher?” He asks, his voice sounds scratchy even to his own ears.

Christopher’s hair is soaked, his glasses have water droplets all over the lenses. Buck can almost feel the ghosts of waves against his legs.

“He’s just a little afraid of thunderstorms.” Eddie says, but his words are lost on Buck.

Buck leans down, gathering the boy into his arms and pulling him against his chest.

“Buck!” The boy cries, laying his head on Buck’s shoulder. Buck feels tears gather in his eyes.

“I’m gonna keep you safe.” Buck tells him honestly. The tears spill over his face, Christopher’s shirt is soaked, and is seeping into Buck’s clothes, chilling him to the bone.

“Buck! Can you hear me?” Eddie calls. Buck feels a hand against the top of his head.

He looks up from his spot, kneeling with Christopher.

“What?” Buck says. Suddenly he realizes where he is.

He’s in the doorway of his apartment, Eddie is leaning down in front of him. Christopher had stopped crying and is now leaning his face back so he can see Buck’s.

“I’m okay.” Buck says, he clears his throat to try and get rid of the scratchiness.

Eddie glances at his watch. “Are you sure? If you’re not feeling well I can bring him to his Abuela.”

Buck shakes his head, scrubbing his cheeks to clear any sign of tears. “No, I’m okay, I was just...”

Buck pauses, clearly trying to think of an excuse.

“I was watching a sad movie, and you guys caught me in the middle of it. I’m fine.”

Eddie clearly doesn’t believe him, but Christopher nods knowingly.

“That’s what my Dad did when we watched the new Toy Story.”

Eddie gasps “I thought that was our secret!”

Christopher laughs. And eventually Eddie and Buck start to laugh with him.

“Alright, well I better get going. Go get changed bud.” Eddie says to Christopher, and the boy goes off to the bathroom. 

“He’s got fresh clothes in his bag, so don’t worry.” Eddie says. Buck nods, he’s about to close the door when Eddie puts a hand on it.

“Look. I know you weren’t watching a movie.”

Buck closes his eyes, breathing deeply “I just. Got brought back, when I saw him like that. I’m sorry, I promise I can still take care of him.”

Eddie’s hand moves from the door to Buck’s shoulder.

“I know you can. I’m not saying that. Just. If you are having... flashbacks, you need to do something about it.”

“What? Like therapy? I’m never going to therapy again. Therapists are awful.”

Eddie furrows his eyebrows. But nods. “Okay, Buck. Well I need to get to work, you guys have fun.”

-

“When will my Dad be here?” Christopher asks Buck. Buck glances at the clock, seeing that Eddie’s shift had finished around 15 minutes ago.

“I don’t know, Bud. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” Buck says. His words are followed by a knock at the door.

“See! That must be him!”

Christopher nods excitedly, following Buck as he goes to answer the door.

When he opens it, Eddie is outside the door, but there’s someone with him.

“Bobby?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit off a cliffhanger I guess! I’m so excited to be nearly finished with this story.
> 
> I hope you guys have enjoyed these chapters.


	6. “I think I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s some more canon divergence here. Buck will be returning to work early. That means that Eddie’s fighting plotline probably won’t be involved in this series, and the lawsuit doesn’t happen.

“Bobby?”

Buck glances between the two men in his doorway. They’re both smiling, but Buck can feel that something is off.

“Is something wrong? Is everyone okay?”

Buck can feel his chest get tighter as he thinks of someone getting hurt.

“Everything’s fine, it’s nothing like that.” Bobby reassures him.

“Hi Mr Nash!” Christopher says from behind Buck. Bobby grins at the young boy.

“Can we come in?” Eddie asks. Buck thinks it’s a bit silly of him to ask given his son is in the apartment, but he nods and allows them entrance.

“I’ll be right back.” Eddie tells them. Eddie walks around the apartment as if he’d lived there. He helps Christopher up the stairs, grabbing a coloring book on the way up. 

When he comes back down he tells them “He’ll be distracted for a while.”

“Why?” Buck asks, again. 

“Why don’t we all sit down.”

Buck follows them to the dining table, where Eddie can see Christopher just in case the boy needs him. But when Buck glances up and sees Christopher has Eddie’s phone in his hand and is watching something on it as well, he thinks they won’t have to worry about him.

“We wanted to talk to you.” Bobby finally starts. He’s seated across from Buck. And Eddie beside Buck, close enough that their legs touch underneath the table.

“I thought so.” Buck says, his brain runs a mile a minute, thinking of everything he could be in trouble for. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. Not at all.” Bobby reassures him. “But I wanted to have this conversation before you.. return to work, tomorrow.” 

Buck grins at Bobby. “I’m coming back?” He says. Bobby nods.

“But before you do. We wanted to talk about... what you said to me, when I dropped Christopher off.” Eddie says, interrupting Buck’s excitement. 

Buck’s mind flashes back to that morning. When he’d cried because Christopher was a little wet.

“Oh.”

“Buck, what did you mean by ‘Therapists are terrible.’”

Buck’s brain screeches to a halt.

“What?” He asks, in lieu of an answer.

“Eddie said that you told him you would never go to therapy again. I know that it can be hard but-“

“I didn’t like my therapist.” Buck tells him.

“Sometimes it’s hard to find the right one. It can take a few-“ Eddie starts, but Buck cuts him off.

“I’m not going back to therapy! Not after last time!”

Buck almost bites his tongue with how quickly he clicks his mouth shut. Not for the first time, Buck wishes he could grab his words from the air and put them back into his mouth.

Bobby scans Buck’s face like a puzzle he just can’t figure out.

“Last time?” Eddie asks.

“With the therapist I sent you to?” Bobby clarifies. 

Buck nods. “It was nothing, forget I said anything.”

“No, Buck, what happened last time that makes you not want to try therapy again?”

Buck licks his lips, his heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest. He’d never been embarrassed to go into his sexual escapades before. He used to freely talk about it back in his Buck 1.0 days. And even since then he wasn’t afraid to mention it.

“She...” Buck starts. The other two men wait patiently for him to gather his thoughts, but Bobby’s eyebrows are furrowed.

“She had sex.. with me.”

Eddie blinks at him, stunned into silence. But Bobby’s head falls into his hands.

“I’m sorry, Bobby. I know I shouldn’t have, it was wrong, I-“

“Your therapist had sex with you?” Eddie repeats.

Bobby looks back up. “I can’t believe-“

Buck feels tears burn in his eyes. “I’m sorry! I didn’t really want to!”

Eddie tenses up beside Buck, and Bobby visibly freezes at his words.

Buck realizes his mistake immediately, and he scrubs his eyes as he tries to correct himself. “I mean, she was pretty, and she seemed nice, I just didn’t want it that day. You remember how bad I was feeling.” Buck tries to correct himself, but he feels as if he’s digging himself deeper into a hole.

“Please don’t be mad, Bobby.” He asks, his voice going quieter.

Bobby finally unfreezes, leaning forward to catch eye contact. “Buck, I am not mad at you.”

“Why are you acting like this then? I know I screwed up my therapy session but..”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, cariño.” Eddie tells him. Buck has no clue what it means, but the soft way Eddie says the word makes Buck’s heart feel as if it’s going to burst.

“Then why are you two so upset?” 

Bobby runs a hand through his own hair. “Buck. Your therapist. She... she assaulted you.”

Buck looks back and forth between the two. Both of them have watery eyes as they watch for his reaction. He gives an aborted shake of his head, before biting his lip.

“No I.. you know how I was Bobby, I was a sex addict. How could I be..” even to himself the argument sounds weak. Because deep down, he knows Bobby is right.

He always did know, really.

The tears are pouring out before he can think to stop them.

“I thought I was crazy, for being upset about... About getting laid.” Buck tries to explain through his flowing tears. 

“Can I hug you, Buck?” Eddie asks softly. Buck falls against his chest without a second thought, melting into the arms that wrap around him.

“It’s okay, you’re okay.” Eddie murmurs comfortingly, he slowly starts to stroke his fingers through Buck’s hair. Buck shudders as he starts to cry harder.

Bobby comes around the table, kneeling to the ground beside the two so he can be at Buck’s eye level.

“Buck, I am so sorry that she did that to you.”

Buck nods, he lifts himself off of Eddie so he can wrap his arms around Bobby.

“I’m so proud of you for telling us, son. If you want to do something about her we will be with you every step of the way.” Bobby says. Buck tucks his head against Bobby’s neck for a moment, before releasing him and sitting back upright in his chair.

He wipes the tears off his cheeks with his sleeve, smiling sadly.

“Thank you guys. Is it okay if we discuss that tomorrow?”

Bobby nods, smiling warmly. “Of course.”

-

Bobby stays a little longer, before telling the two that he needs to get home to watch Harry. He calls goodbye to Christopher, and the boy groggily tells him goodnight.

“I think I wore him out today.” Buck says, his eyes are a little red but otherwise all signs of the earlier conversation are gone. 

At least, visually they are. Buck definitely feels bad about the things they’d discussed. The things he had pushed down and repressed. But he also feels lighter, in a way. Finally free of holding it inside.

“Yep, he’s going to be asleep soon, I think.” Eddie tells him. “I guess I should get going..”

Eddie’s pause after, the way he looks at him, gives Buck the courage to shake his head.

“Or, you could stay. I washed Christopher’s clothes from earlier, they are probably comfortable enough to sleep in. I have an air mattress, and I’ll just stay on the couch.”

A smile makes it way to Eddie’s face. And he nods quickly. “I think.. he would like that.”

Eddie runs upstairs, “Christopher, how do you feel about us having a sleepover with Buck?” 

Christopher’s excited cheers echo around the apartment.

-

“You don’t have to stay on the couch, I’m the one crashing.” Eddie says, but Buck just shakes his head.

“Nah man, I spent way too much on that mattress for just me to experience it. You go ahead.”

Christopher is already snoring on the air mattress as the two adults have this conversation.

“Are you sure, with your leg and everything-“ Eddie tries again. But buck stops him with a wave of his hand.

“I slept on the couch for a month when I couldn’t get upstairs because of the leg, remember? I’ll be fine.”

Eddie finally sighs, taking the spare toothbrush Buck offers him.

“Alright, fine.” He says, heading to the bathroom to shower and get ready for bed.

As soon as the shower turns on Buck feels his muscles start to relax. The sound of water hitting windows, or the walls of a shower, never failed to relax him.

He falls asleep within seconds.

-

“Buck! Buck! Wake up Buck!”

Buck sits up with a gasp, almost hitting his head against Eddie’s. His cheeks feel wet.

“What happened?”

“I think you had a bad dream, cariño.” Eddie tells him.

And there was that word again. Hearing Eddie say that, paired with seeing the man in Buck’s own sweatpants and T-shirt, makes Buck’s heart beat just a tad harder in his chest.

“Oh.” He says. “I don’t remember.”

“Look. I get weirder dreams when I’m not sleeping comfortably, especially if I’m on a couch.” Eddie says.

“No, I’m not taking the bed from you.” Buck responds, but Eddie shakes his head. And in the dim room Buck thinks it almost looks like Eddie’s cheeks have turned a bit pink.

“No, I meant.. it’s a big bed, I think we could both fit.”

Buck’s chest feels like it’s going to explode, and he wonders, briefly, if Eddie can hear his heart pounding. “Oh...”

“You don’t have to of course-“ Eddie says quickly.

“No! No I think, that might be good.” Buck says. 

Eddie holds out a hand, pulling Buck up gently when he grabs on.

-

Eddie sits in the bed first, laying on the left side so he can see Christopher. Buck takes a deep breath, before following him into the bed.

Eddie turns off the bedside lamp, turning to lay on his side facing Buck.

Buck curls up under the blankets. Poking just the top of his face out so he can see the room. It’s almost completely dark, only a little bit of light coming in from the large windows.

“Who knew someone so tall could curl up so small.” Eddie says, Buck chuckles quietly.

“It’s one of my many talents.”

Eddie’s gentle smile is visible even in the dark room.

“Yeah, many.”

-

When Buck wakes up he realizes that, despite his ridiculously expensive mattress and his thick, cozy blankets, he has never felt this comfortable in his life.

He realizes why when he notices that the warmth around him is caused by Eddie, pressed against his back. Buck feels his face burn when he realizes the two are spooning.

But Eddie continues to snore quietly into the back of Buck’s hair. So Buck considers it safe to go back to sleep.

-

“I knew it!”

Buck startles awake at the shout, seeing Christopher has climbed onto the foot of the bed and is bouncing in excitement.

Eddie stirs beside him. “Is something wrong, bud?” Eddie asks, not bothering to open his eyes.

“I was right, Dad! I knew you guys loved each other.”

Buck and Eddie are wide awake at that, separating from each other quickly. Buck ignores the way the loss of warmth against his back makes him feel cold.

“Uhh, what? Bud?” Eddie laughs nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. Buck leans back against the headboard, hiding his face in his hands.

“Remember what I asked you? The other day?”

Buck’s mind flashes back to the way Christopher had casually asked if he loved Eddie. Certain in a way only kids could be

Buck and Eddie both nod, before looking to each other.

“Wait, he asked you?” Eddie asks, at the same time Buck says “He asked you too?”

Christopher laughs joyfully at them speaking at the same time, but the two don’t break eye contact.

“He did, what was your answer?” Buck says, he fiddles with his pant leg nervously. Staring down at his lap.

“I said yes. What was yours?”

Buck lifts his face up, before nodding jerkily. “I said I do, too.”

Eddie’s smile is blinding when he hears it.

“Can I kiss you?” Eddie asks, Buck laughs brightly before leaning forward to capture Eddie’s lips.

It’s an innocent kiss, one that has Christopher cheering at the sidelines. But Buck feels as if electricity passes through him with it. His hands find their place on Eddie’s shoulders. While Eddie holds Buck’s jaw gently.

He leans back, far enough that he can see Eddie’s face clearly. Eddie’s face breaks into a giant grin.

“I’ve wanted to do that for months.” Eddie admits. 

“I knew it!” Christopher says again, before jumping in between them. They’re so close that he’s in both of their laps.

Buck laughs along with the boy, pulling him into a hug. He peers up at Eddie through his eyelashes.

“Are you gonna join this group hug or not?” Buck asks. 

-

“Carla will be at my house soon, so we better head home.” Eddie tells Buck, while the three are crowded in Buck’s small bathroom brushing their teeth.

Christopher let’s out a cheery “Aww!” But he smiles nonetheless. 

“Okay, I’ll see you later then.” Buck says, he pulls his toothbrush out long enough to place a simple kiss on Eddie’s cheek.

Eddie chuckles, wiping away the toothpaste now on his cheek. As he rinses his own toothbrush. He mindlessly puts it in the toothbrush holder, Christopher following suit.

As the other two leave Buck to finish getting dressed, he looks at the small cup holder, now filled with three toothbrushes.

He can’t help but smile.

-

Buck arrives at the station first, the only other person from their shift who’s already there is Bobby, and he’s already making a team lunch.

“Hey, Buck. How was your night? Bobby asks, but something in the way he lifts his eyebrows makes Buck think he knows something happened.

“It was good. Eddie and Christopher stayed over.

“Oh? Did they?” Bobby asks, Buck feels heat color his face.

“What am I hearing about staying over?” Hen asks, Buck turns to see her grinning on the landing of the stairs. He shakes his head.

“Nothing you guys need to worry about right now.”

Chimney arrives next, the four getting into a casual conversation.

“And that’s why I do the maneuver.” Buck teases, chimney groans beside him.

“Who says I couldn’t!” He pouts, the other three laugh loudly.

“I s-“ Buck starts, but before he can finish there’s a hand on his shoulder and someone is leaning down to kiss him.

Buck recognizes those lips immediately, even though he’d only experienced it once before he’ll never forget the soft stubble against his jaw.

Eddie pulls back after a moment, enough that the two can look into each other’s eyes. A dopey smile grows on Buck’s face.

“Did what I think just happened.. actually just happen?” Hen says, Buck finally remembers there are other people in the room.

Bobby’s eyebrows are raised high, but he has a small smile on his face. Chimney already has his phone poised, shooting a video of the two. And Hen’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of her head. But when Buck looks up at her she immediately burtsts into laughter.

“Oh! My god! They actually did that!” She shouts, bending over with the force of her laughter.

“Well, yeah, I thought that’s how people announced relationships around here.” Eddie says, Bobby chuckles, and leans over the counter to pat Eddie’s shoulder.

“Good for you guys.” He says.

Hen’s laughter finally quiets down, but when she looks up she has that glint in her eye telling them she’s about to do something.

“I’m gonna have a nice dinner tonight!” She chirps, and Chimney, finally putting his phone down, groans in annoyance.

“How did you know? How do you always know?!” Chimney is yelling, Hen goes back to laughing loudly. Bobby shaking his head as he pulls out his wallet.

Buck and Eddie look at each other again, Buck rolls his eyes fondly while Eddie shakes his head

-

“I heard you two finally got your act together.” Athena says, Buck looks up from his spot washing down a fire truck, and grins at her.

“Yes ma’am!” He says, “Your husband definitely helped.”

She smiles, before her face goes more stony. “That’s what I’m here to talk to you about.”

All the color drains from Buck’s face, “Oh.” he says simply.

She leads him away from the truck, calling over someone else to finish it. The person rolls their eyes, but does as she says.

She finds a few metal chairs that are folded against the wall, and unfolds one for herself. Buck obediently following suit.

“Buck, what you told Bobby.. that’s.. that’s very serious. It is illegal for her to have a.. personal relationship with you.”

Buck puts his face in his hands, “It is?” He asks, looking up with his best puppy eyes. Hoping she’ll let him free of this conversation.

“Yes, Buck.” Athena, predictably, doesn’t fall for them. But her voice does soften a tad. “But, I looked into that therapist, and she’s already been arrested.”

Buck’s face pops up. “Because of me?”

Athena shakes her head. “No, Buck, she did it to someone else. Multiple others, actually.”

“Oh.” He says simply.

“Now, you can bring up these charges against her. But she is already in jail, and she has lost her license. So that is up to you.”

Buck shakes his head. “No. I’m just glad she can’t.. do that, to anyone else, anymore.”

Athena nods. “Exactly.” 

As Buck sits with Athena, their topic of conversation eventually shifting to Buck’s newfound relationship with Eddie, he thinks about the woman. About the power she had held over Buck, even past that one appointment. The power that she no longer has.

He finds the built up pressure from years of keeping it inside has finally been released, and he can breathe easier.

-

It’s three months later when Buck has another flashback.

His leg has been bothering him all day, enough that he almost considered staying home from work. But when he imagines all the people he could dissapoint he sticks through it and goes anyway.

Bobby notices his barely-there limp immediately. And he tells Buck to go rest until they get a call.

“But, Bobby, I’m fine-“ buck tries to tell him. But Bobby shakes his head sternly.

“How are you going to be fine if your leg is bothering you. Go take a nap and it might help. I want you at 100% for any call.”

Buck sighs, walking to the bunk rooms with a pout. “Fine, cap.”

-

Buck feels trapped. Again.

His leg is stuck, he thinks. He can feel the ground underneath him, though he can’t see it.

A shout echoes, it’s only when there’s a hand shaking his shoulder that Buck realizes it was his own shout.

“Buck!” Chimney calls, but he steps back when someone else comes in the room.

“Ev!” Eddie says, kneeling beside Buck’s bed. Buck’s eyes finally pop open and he peers at Eddie with blurry vision.

“What’s going on?” Buck asks, his eyes can’t seem to clear up, even when he reaches up to rub at them.

“You had a nightmare, kid.” Chimney answers. Buck feels his face burn.

“Oh.”

“It happens.” Chimney reassures him, before leaving the two alone.

Buck’s eyes finally start to clear up, so he looks at Eddie. The man’s face seems thoughtful.

“What are you thinking, Eddie?”

Eddie looks down to his own hands, then back at Buck.

“I’m thinking maybe you should try therapy again.”

Buck is surprised when those words don’t leave him shaking his head in fear. Instead the nods thoughtfully.

“Maybe I should.”

-

Buck firmly closes the door of his new therapist’s office behind him. He sees Eddie is already waiting in his truck for him.

“Hey Ev, how was it?” He asks when Buck opens the door. Buck smiles and climbs in.

“I’ve never cried that much in an hour.”

Eddie glances at him, frowning. “Oh..”

Buck just laughs “I’m messing with you! It was good. He’s cool.”

Buck’s new therapist is an older man, his name was Dr. Noah Sinclair. He was slightly frail, but witty. Buck found himself joking easily with the man. Just as easily as he found himself explaining, honestly, why he was so nervous about therapy.

“Oh?” Eddie says again, “Excited for next week then?”

Buck smiles, leaning over the center console to plant a kiss on Eddie’s mouth before they drive away.

“Yeah. I think I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading!! I really enjoyed writing this one, even though it hurt me sometimes, making Buck go through these things. I would love to hear what you thought of it!


End file.
